2 posts within a week of one another? say whaaat?? i guess this is me putting off writing in my personal journal, but i've got time for that.

i just had my tonsils removed today. it's not really all that painful...yet...the doctor gave me extra meds. i've decided to talk as little as possible this week so that i heal quickly. plus, it kind of hurts to talk, so...i will now be taking my cone of silence for the next couple of days.

i need to figure out what classes i'll be taking this next semester. the problem is that i need to meet with an adviser at the school, but they're all booked, so i have to make a drop in appointment. i don't get to sign up for 2 weeks, which kind of blows since most of the classes i'm currently looking into are full. i suppose i could just sign up for classes and then change or something when they become available. or who knows...maybe the heavens will open and i'll be able to get into all the classes i need. that'd be brilliant.

i'm not, however, looking forward to waking up super early. since i'm now commuting, i'll need to take earlier classes so i actually get parking. but i suppose that's okay as long as i get my classes. hm.

i can't wait for school to start. seriously. i love it! i'm quite excited for it--to be back in a classroom, writing papers, discussions, etc...i'm not necessarily looking forward to all the reading i'll be doing, but i'm very eager to learn and i'm looking forward to it immensely.

i think i'm now used to my life simply being insane. there's no need to really go into depth on the subject as i don't really want to talk about it, but i'd like to state the following: just because someone doesn't necessarily show every emotion they're experiencing at that moment does not mean they don't feel anything. just a thought.

as i've been thinking about school and such, which starts up in january sometime, i've been looking into different fields, since my health is preventing me from pursuing my current major. i believe i mentioned earlier that i've been looking into communications and with everything that's been going on as of late, a scene from one of my favorite films, "The King's Speech", came to mind, where lionel and bertie are arguing because lionel is sitting on the coronation throne. if i could find a clip to embed, i would, but for now, the text will have to do, sadly. if you haven't seen the film, you need to. it's incredible and i find it truly inspirational, but perhaps i relate to the film and its message more because i had a speech impediment as a child.

King George VI: [Sees Logue is sitting on the coronation throne] What are you doing? Get up! You can't sit there! GET UP!
Lionel Logue: Why not? It's a chair.
King George VI: No, that. It is not a chair. T-that... that is Saint Edward's chair.
Lionel Logue: People have carved their names on it.
King George VI: [Simultaneously] That... chair... is the seat on which every king and queen has... That is the Stone of Scone you ah-are trivializing everything. You trivialize...
Lionel Logue: [Simultaneously] It's held in place by a large rock. I don't care about how many royal arseholes have sat in this chair.
King George VI: Listen to me. *Listen to me!*
Lionel Logue: Listen to you? By what right?
King George VI: By divine right if you must, I am your king.
Lionel Logue: No you're not, you told me so yourself. You didn't want it. Why should I waste my time listening?
King George VI: Because I have a right to be heard. I have a voice!
Lionel Logue: [pauses] Yes, you do.

i have a voice and i want to be heard. i deserve to be heard. we all do. if i do decide to go into communications, i'm not sure if i would go into film and media or journalism and mass media. that's still yet to be determined. i understand film and media very well and i love analyzing it and i feel i would be very successful in that field. at the same time, however, i have difficulty respecting the industry. but there are still wonderful people who strive for excellence and push for the good of man, rather than destroying the family and the morals of mankind. there's good and bad almost wherever you turn; it simply takes different forms and isn't always noticeable at first.

so, with all this, i've decided that i'm simply just going to go with the flow. i've got plans, but i know they'll change. i'm just going to focus first on my health and then on school and go from there. i don't have to decide on everything right now. answers to prayer and the greatest questions of life come with time, so i don't have to rush it. i don't want to miss out on opportunities and experiences due to impatience. one thing i do know for sure is that Heavenly Father has a plan for each of us and is mindful of absolutely everything we do, so just be patient. "keep on swimming." it'll all be okay.

well, apparently, what i thought was strep was not exactly what i had imagined. when i awoke the day following my previous post, my eyes, face and neck were so swollen that i couldn't feel my jawline and a couple tube-fuls of blood drawn by the ER nurses told the doctors i have mono. suck.

so i did my research and found out symptoms of mono include facial swelling (my sister said my swollen eyes made me look asian) and a sore throat, so i thought that the worsening of my symptoms was totally normal for mono.

the next day, my tonsils were quite large and on wednesday, they were HUGE! to the point i was having difficulty breathing. what the heck? is there a break ever from health issues?? i couldn't swallow water. my mom cut a normal-sized pain killer into 8 teeny tiny pieces so i could swallow and it was excruciating to do so. it took me about 10 minutes to swallow those pieces and all the energy i had. i had to sleep upright so i could breathe a bit easier.

i had the thoughts on multiple occasions throughout that day to simple enjoy the time i had left with my family since i clearly wouldn't have much longer. i could only take shallow breaths.

the next day (thursday), it had gotten worse and i couldn't take it any longer, we went to the doctor, who also told me i had tonsillitis on top of my mono. really? come on!! my head was killing me and i was super weak, so my doctor had me checked into the hospital where i was hooked up to an IV and had a ton of drugs pumped into me over the next couple of days.

i was released on saturday and rested as much as possible after that, but man, has life been crazy lately! between moving to arizona and all that drama to moving home and having this happen. better now than later when i'm back in school. it just testifies to me even further that Heavenly Father has a plan and things happen in a specific order for a reason. i'm so glad i listened and withdrew from school for this semester! it would have been horrid trying to keep up with everything with all that's gone on. phew!

i just scheduled my tonsillectomy for the 15th, so let's get those suckers out and hopefully then we can figure out what's going on with my back. if i have to have surgery, i'd rather have it done before school starts so i can at least go to school full-time, even if i wouldn't be able to have a job for a little while. we'll see what happens. it would sure be nice to go to school and have a job again. i miss it. and i also miss being able to buy clothes...i found these beautiful boots that are calling out to me. but alas, little ones, now is not the time.

i said hey...what's going on??

so i figure, "why not?"

"why not, what?" you're probably asking.

a new post! i suppose since i'm crippled once more and have a terrible case of strep throat, i have nothing better to do. i'm not currently working due to the fact that my bf/fiance and i broke up so i moved back home and am transferring to a school here. no job, no school, no money to spend and really no place to go or anything to do (besides sleep and heal)..so..why not?

i'm faced, my faceless friends of the internet, with a dilemma: earlier, i posted about my crippled back and surgery. well..less than 6 months later, i find myself in strangely familiar territory. once again, i'm having difficulty walking, have terrible back pains but the difference this time is that it's progressing far more rapidly than before and i know what's happening and what will happen next (most likely).

i remember the doctor saying that my disc between the L5-S1 was the one giving me trouble. it was bulging terribly and was compressing my nerve, which explained all the pain. this time, i have the pain in my back, hip and upper hamstring, but it hasn't spread any further. difficulty walking? check. slow as a freaking snail? check. it appears that i'm heading back into surgery. the doctor also said that the L4 was bulging slightly, but they were hoping that with all the treatment i underwent, that it would slide back into place, since its movement was so minimal.

i think it went the opposite way. so, this time, i'm not worried about the surgery, i'm worried about something else: my career.

my entire life, i've wanted to be a cellist in one of the top orchestras. the 12 cellists of the berlin philharmonic are my heroes! i adore them and if i could be half as good as they, i would have my musical career set. with this new back development, i find myself questioning if my dream is even physically possible anymore. i'm 23 years old with the back of an 85 year old. i'm a musician. i don't do crazy things. i've always been so careful of the things i did because i was so focused on music. i couldn't chance messing up my hands, back, shoulders, arms, etc and here i am, faced with something i've had no control over that's pushing me further from my dream.

i meet with my neurosurgeon in the next couple of days and if it turns out i have degenerative disc disease or something of the like, i may need to find a career that isn't quite so straining on my back. i would no longer be able to play professionally. i could play in a civic orchestra, i think, but i couldn't do a full-blown schedule like i've always wanted. if that's the case, what would i even change my major to? i'm so close to being done with music, but if it's something that will do more harm than good...

i can't even think of anything that could potentially bring me as much happiness as music does. my next thought was to go for a german major with a music minor and do something with international relations or something. i love traveling and seeing the world. that's what i would want next. i want to be able to do that if i can't have music. i guess i'll just have to wait and see what the good doctor says.

life in technicolour

i couldn't deny it even if i tried, my friends. my life has been rather interesting and i wouldn't just say, "as of late," but the past 8 months have been quite unexpected, if you will. to just give you all an idea of what i've been through, i'll give you a quick update:

in the past 8 months, i have:

--returned home from serving a mission in the Switzerland Zurich/Alpine German-Speaking Mission because of a back injury
--undergone extensive chiropractic treatment
--returned to school
--had the unknown back problem return
--discovered what sent me home and what returned was actually a herniated disc the size of a rather large thumb nail
--had 2 cortisone shots, which made everything worse
--undergone physical therapy

and most recently (2 weeks ago today, to be exact), i had back surgery removing said herniated disc.

looking back on everything, i kind of wish i had just had the surgery done right away, but i've grown so much and met some incredible people throughout this process, so even though it's been frustrating at times, i'm so grateful for the experiences i've had.

isn't life so amazing? just look outside--it's gorgeous! there is so much to be happy about! i'm eternally grateful to have had a positive attitude throughout this entire process; it's certainly blessed me greatly. life is too short to be unhappy and we have far too many blessings in our lives to not be of good cheer.

"come what may and love it." i remember Elder Wirthlin giving that talk a couple of years ago. i was living in Vienna at the time and ever since i've heard that talk, i've tried to develop that attitude. fast forward nearly 2 years to when i was serving in Richterswil, bedridden because i could no longer walk due to the pain. i studied the talk once more and as i continued to do what i could and studied the scriptures, i was blessed with an optimistic and cheerful attitude.

i won't even try to deny it, though. i was completely devastated. i loved my mission and had always wanted to serve, so why had that happened? there are so many times we won't receive the answers to our greatest questions. i have no idea why that happened to me when it did, but i find it amazing at what i've experienced within the past year. how can i not be happy? i've been and continue to be so blessed. i had the chance to serve a mission and i've met the most amazing people!

if i had to give a bit of advice to anyone, i would simply say to cherish every moment you have with someone because life is full of surprises. be of good cheer and constantly strive to see the innumerable blessings Heavenly Father bestows upon us.

life is just amazing. take a step back and look at everything you have, my friends.

well, well, what a week! and it's only wednesday! so far, i have a new nephew (number 5!), i've gotten/conquered an unknown illness that somewhat resembles the flu, i've met with the neurosurgeon and i've scheduled surgery for this friday! unfortunately, because of said surgery, i'll be missing the first few days of class since the doctor wants me to stay for a week to make sure no infection set in/aliens are growing inside of me, planning to take over and destroy the universe. i have this image of Alien in my mine. gosh, that would suck. high hopes, though, high hopes...

continuing on about the doctor: he thinks that part of the disc broke off and i've got fragments irritating the nerve. makes sense. he even drew/colored me a picture of what he thought. no, my doctor is not five. he's quite intelligent and has the background to prove it. the picture helped though.

tomorrow, i'm hoping to drive up to the temple. it's so beautiful!

as it's the very end of the semester and seeing as how i've slacked on updating this thing (because it's in such high demand by the general public...), i figured i'd write a few words. you know, just because...

my life this semester has been nothing like i planned. really, though, one can only plan so much. "plan to be surprised," is a great motto. along with, "come what may and love it." the latter is still my motto and although it can be difficult to love the situation, the saying makes it easier to at least appreciate the lessons that are to be learned. it has most certainly been a roller coaster this semester for me, what with the back issue coming back. i at least know the issue(s) though and i've tried everything, essentially. all but surgery. that, my friends, will be the adventure i experience next week.

i suppose i can't really say that quite yet. i don't know FOR SURE i'll be having surgery. for so long, i've been hoping for it, looking forward to it. i just want my life back. last night, however, while my visiting teachers were over, i came to the realization that it's back surgery. yes, i know that. but it's kind of really intense, if you think about it. should something go wrong and the neurosurgeon accidentally strike my nerve, i could be paralyzed. i have faith in the doctor i'll be seeing this upcoming tuesday, but that doesn't mean those concerns aren't there.

as i've been stuck in limbo, it's allowed me to see things in a different light. i've reflected on the past and yes, it's been more difficult, physically, not being able to do certain things, but i've met some incredible people. a fear of mine, one of which i hope it completely ridiculous and will never occur, is that after i'm healed, i won't ever see them again.

that sounds crazy, i know. it's just one of those fears, though--just that small bit of anxiety. whatever happens, happens. i think it was Bruce R. McConkie that said (and this is paraphrasing rather roughly...very roughly), "can you control it? if not, don't worry about it." there's no point in stressing about the things you can't control. recognize the Lord's hand in all things, keep the commandments, and you have nothing to worry about. sure, things may not turn out as planned, but there's nothing to worry about.

i'm trying really hard to keep that focus. life is so much better when you're happy and optimistic. there really are innumerable reasons to rejoice. be of good cheer! life happens. but why not be happy?

condoleeza rice spoke here at byu earlier this semester (incredible forum. truly) and reminded us that we may not be able to control our situations, but we can control our attitude to the situation.

i'll admit that, yes, if the doctor back home meets with me tuesday and decides i'm not getting surgery, i'll be at wit's end. what do you do when you've tried everything but it's only gotten worse? what do you do when it's taken over and completely changed your life?

i suppose the answer really is quite simple. it's what i've been doing and honestly, it's the only reason i've been able to remain so happy and optimistic throughout this whole ordeal: the gospel. how it's brought such peace and happiness! just look at your lives and everything you have. how can you not be happy? focus on what you know. focus on the gospel. have faith and know that everything will turn out well.

those are the things to keep doing, i guess. and sleep. that seems like a funny thing to say at this point, but really, sleep helps so much more than you realize. as college students, it's easy to pull all-nighters to get everything done, but i'm so much happier, optimistic, pleasant to be around, and everything is just so much better when you get sleep.

i suppose i'll quit my rambling now, but do be of good cheer, my friends. i may have difficulty walking/standing and essentially doing everything else, but i can still walk. what a blessing! do not take these things for granted; you have no idea what you have until you no longer have it.