i said hey...what's going on??

so i figure, "why not?"

"why not, what?" you're probably asking.

a new post! i suppose since i'm crippled once more and have a terrible case of strep throat, i have nothing better to do. i'm not currently working due to the fact that my bf/fiance and i broke up so i moved back home and am transferring to a school here. no job, no school, no money to spend and really no place to go or anything to do (besides sleep and heal)..so..why not?

i'm faced, my faceless friends of the internet, with a dilemma: earlier, i posted about my crippled back and surgery. well..less than 6 months later, i find myself in strangely familiar territory. once again, i'm having difficulty walking, have terrible back pains but the difference this time is that it's progressing far more rapidly than before and i know what's happening and what will happen next (most likely).

i remember the doctor saying that my disc between the L5-S1 was the one giving me trouble. it was bulging terribly and was compressing my nerve, which explained all the pain. this time, i have the pain in my back, hip and upper hamstring, but it hasn't spread any further. difficulty walking? check. slow as a freaking snail? check. it appears that i'm heading back into surgery. the doctor also said that the L4 was bulging slightly, but they were hoping that with all the treatment i underwent, that it would slide back into place, since its movement was so minimal.

i think it went the opposite way. so, this time, i'm not worried about the surgery, i'm worried about something else: my career.

my entire life, i've wanted to be a cellist in one of the top orchestras. the 12 cellists of the berlin philharmonic are my heroes! i adore them and if i could be half as good as they, i would have my musical career set. with this new back development, i find myself questioning if my dream is even physically possible anymore. i'm 23 years old with the back of an 85 year old. i'm a musician. i don't do crazy things. i've always been so careful of the things i did because i was so focused on music. i couldn't chance messing up my hands, back, shoulders, arms, etc and here i am, faced with something i've had no control over that's pushing me further from my dream.

i meet with my neurosurgeon in the next couple of days and if it turns out i have degenerative disc disease or something of the like, i may need to find a career that isn't quite so straining on my back. i would no longer be able to play professionally. i could play in a civic orchestra, i think, but i couldn't do a full-blown schedule like i've always wanted. if that's the case, what would i even change my major to? i'm so close to being done with music, but if it's something that will do more harm than good...

i can't even think of anything that could potentially bring me as much happiness as music does. my next thought was to go for a german major with a music minor and do something with international relations or something. i love traveling and seeing the world. that's what i would want next. i want to be able to do that if i can't have music. i guess i'll just have to wait and see what the good doctor says.